My father's obituary said that he had died "after a long illness." I remember thinking that it should have said "Suddenly, after a long illness..." The death itself didn't feel gradual. Another lesson I learned from his death was that I could experience both grief, a profound sense of loss, and joy, incredible joy, at the same time. I felt the joy was truly coming from him, that it was his message to me, as he entered into the relief and release and spiritual vastness on the other side. It wasn't as if I felt grief in one moment and joy in the next. I actually sensed both, deeply, at the same time. I hadn't known that was possible. It seems we usually live in an either/or universe. Thanks, Mallika, for the opportunity to reflect on this. I was also very moved by the Travoltas' love for their son and the anguish of their loss. ~ Diana

Wow, Diana and Asgar, thank you for sharing some of your pain and healing here. Both your comments are so moving.

I have learned that the process of passing through and from this world is an experience that can be so influenced and eased by those of us who are closest. I have posted on more than one occasion about the passing of the three men who were closest to me in a very short period of time: soulmate, dear friend/business partner, and my father. With my love, the focus had been so long on the struggle for survival that we forgot or did not know that the time had truly come to turn our emphasis to his passing. The pain of that death was sharp, crushing and almost more than I could bear. He died with me in my home and although I consciously knew it was coming and there was no hope, both of souls just did not accept it. The connection to this day is very tough because I feel more of his anguish in losing the fight, than the peace of his ascendance. He has not come to terms with his leaving this earth and maybe I have not as well. With my dear friend/business partner, the passing was a total shock at the time and due to a very direct act of his own. Not a suicide, but a drug overdose in a person with longstanding undercover substance abuse. In the shock of that time, his connection to me came through so very strong and pleading, that it scared me and I shut it down. I turned my attention to trying to save his life partner and maybe now after five years, I finally have. I think I probably did what he wanted me to do, but I was not prepared to receive such a powerful, almost intimidating communication from his spiritual transformation. It almost felt like a circuit overload. Now to my father, I was finally open to understanding that his time was coming and the blessings of that realization have lead an amazing relationship to continue in the four years since he left this earth. He so wanted someone to listen to him that he was dying and nobody else would hear him. The talks we had in the final days of his life eased his passing and he left this world knowing that I heard everything he needed to say. He visits frequently and I value this evolution of our father/daughter relationship. His presence is spiritual and uplifting in every way. In sharing this, I wish the very most to say that it seems that death and dying should be part of our life learning experience. We should come to understand it and to get better at what we can do to ease the passing, both before and after it has occurred. It is not an experience in which we have no control, in fact, we have very much we can contribute. Grief for me is sometimes sharp and it floors me. And I do mean on the floor, but I have some to see and understand so much more. There is a sense of balance to these experiences even if they occasionally cause me pain. I now see my mother slowly decline in the four years since my father's death. Now she is not ready to leave us, but I am secure in the knowledge that what I have lived through will provide me the ability to ease her transition if she will allow it. It is part of that natural cycle and the gift we can give to those who have loved us in life and long after.

My mother passed when I was 14, i went to live with my mother's sister and husband because of challenges with my father. My guardian uncle died when I was 19 and then my aunt followed when I was 21. My father died a few years ago and then I had one son die in the womb from what the doctors called a fluke, either the amniotic sac had a small tear or the placenta stopped working and that all happened within two days of when we had gone for a Dr.s visit and a non stress test at the end of a pregnancy. I wrote the Tao of Grief in my blog about the energies of grief because I experienced a different one in each case. An interesting synchronicity occured with Jacob's passing. I had a daughter that was 14, a son 19 and a daughter that was 21 and each one experienced the energy of grief in the reverse order. Kira at 21 was hit as I was by my mother's death, Paul at 19 reflected the energy from my uncle's passing and Rachael at 14, the energy of my aunt's. Amazing how I had three children who were all at the ages I was when the knock of the spirit came in that guise. AND I have a younger daughter who was 9 at the time and she was transcendent - her light and love was above us all. After the stillbirth, they all came into the room and stayed by the door, looking lost, uncertain, heartbroken and Kylie walked fluidly up to the bed, took his lifeless body into her arms and said, "he is so beautiful, I wish you could have stayed here with us." and then all the others followed her. I I did a blessing on his body - I made the sign of the cross on his forehead, I closed his eyes, and I made the sign of the cross on his heart and as I did those three things I said, "I make all things perfect, I make all things new". Grief transforms each of us with it's touch and it's energy and reminds us that in spirit we are perfect and each moment we are made anew through our interaction in this place of light and shadow and form.

I lost my spouse in 2006, after 30 years of marriage. I still haven't gotten over things like seeing something I know would have appealed to her in a store. It is still melancholy, but it doesn't hurt anymore. It doesn't bring out that feeling of emptiness where she physically belongs. If I hadn't known for sure that we continue after death, I would have been devastated by her death. I know she'll come back to this plane sometime, and we'll probably interact again. I have memories of other lives where we've been together in various relationships. Life and death are just two sides of the same thing. We are 'born' here as we 'die' there, and 'die' here to be 'born' there. The sorrow on either side is balanced by the joy of the other, and I try to be aware of that whenever I encounter death. While she was in the hospital for her final illness, I prayed for her to be restored to health. Healing comes in many forms and sometimes the answer is death for the physical body to restore health to the Spirit. From a personal perspective, I still don't like it, but my love says it was what she needed and I don't begrudge her that.

Just over 22 years ago, i lost my mother, and two months later, my brother. I was 27 at the time. Then seven years later, I lost my father. I can't say I experienced all the "stages of grief", but I just knew I had to move forward. Make something out of my life so that I could survive. Fill my time with, so that grief wouldn't creep in. All these years later, I've realized that I don't know how to "feel my feelings". I've supressed them for so long. It's hindered me in many ways. My advice to others is to allow yourself to experience the grief, experience the sadness and move through it - not run from it.

Lynn, I hope you are working toward healing from all your losses, the loss of a part of yourself as well as the losses of your family members. When we loose the ability to feel grief and sorrow, we also loose the ability to really experience the balancing emotions of joy and hope. The frame of reference is gone. A way you might want to try as a method of getting back in touch with your feelings, if you aren't working on that in some other way, is through watching movies and trying to notice the feelings you have. We can often let ourselves feel things with characters in movies because we don't have to deal with the realities of the character's life ourselves, which gives us practice at feeling again, which hopefully starts extending our awareness of feelings in our everyday lives. Grief and sadness are not 'bad' emotions, they are our way of knowing their opposites exist, and with knowing comes experience, and, ultimately, peace. May you be blessed with peace in your healing and awareness that the universe never takes without returning something in its place.

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